This post originally appeared here in The Innovation.
Break The Cycle And Rise Above Your Emotions Because You're Better Than That
I know you tried not to react. You held yourself back from taking offense. Is it possible to keep your calm?
What’s your first instinct when people hurt you?
You’ve attempted to be supportive, to offer to understand, to show them loving kindness. Yet it doesn’t seem to help. They continue to blame you for their pain, lashing out at you about their frustrations.
They are the least concerned that you are standing there, wildly amazed and shock. There’s nothing you can do except to regain your composure and face their fury and spite.
It’s undeniably hard. You felt the heat rising within you. You sensed an increased and rapid heartbeat. Your muscles are tensed, there’s a churning feeling in your stomach.
Stop.
You’re getting offended. You’re about to unleash your anger. While you would not intentionally hurt anyone, the hurt you felt makes you bitter, frustrated, and doubtful of people’s motives. Deny your ego the right to take over.
Don’t do it. It will lead you to more pain and regrets later. Anger will close your senses off to the true situation and cause you to turn on defensive mode.
When others cast their projections, it’s common for it to appear as if they are a direct attack on you, but it’s not. Pain can cause you to override what may be happening in reality. It takes strength and courage to pause and remind yourself that other people’s actions are not about you. They seldom do. It’s almost always about them.
Let today be the day you control your emotions. Don’t let them get the best of you. Whatever you are feeling right now should not be overwhelming. Don’t allow others to dampen your spirit. You are entitled to enjoy peace.
— Amaka Imani Nkosazana
Your reactions are a result of your past experiences. It leads you to the assumption that what you believe is true. That’s how reality becomes distorted. You wrongly assumed that your anger is caused by another person’s words or actions. The trigger that makes you feel angry is not the cause of the anger, but an underlying issue that is not dealt with. It becomes a threat to you.
While attempting to protect you, your ego is blocking off reality by telling only half the story. The story as you currently view is not one that takes into account other’s perceptions or the facts behind the matter.
You generally believe the version of reality that serves your belief system. What do you tell yourself? If you keep repeating that you’re being taken advantage of and that you’ve been victimized, you will believe it wholeheartedly. You would likely conclude that your reactions are justified.
When someone lashes out at you, firing unwarranted hurtful words, looks, or actions, your sanity depends on not taking offense. Taking offense is pointless. It helps to remember that out of their frustration and pain they are doing this. It’s a survival mechanism.
People often project onto others when they have repressed anger, guilt, or shame. It’s easy to get caught in the trap and become unconscious. You feed their pain, which further feeds your own pain, and it becomes a vicious cycle.
If you’re already experiencing constant inner turmoil, you can’t be at peace with yourself. Every time you react in anger, the one you’re really hurting is you. It makes sense then for you to think that you had the license to do the same to others.
Surely others could handle the pain because you had. Surely others could endure a verbal lashing because you had. And no doubt they could handle emotional abuse because you had. You operate by default and mimic the negative behavior you witnessed. You’ll justify your actions by giving back exactly what you got.
Anger threatens your sense of emotional security, leaving you feeling uncertain about your relationship with others. You’re confused, but you can’t see it.
At that moment, you’re looking for a way to strengthen your emotional security. You’re searching for safety. If you’re at peace with yourself, there is no need to defend or justify.
Original Photo by Nycolle Suabya from Pexels
Peace comes when you’re able to return to your center. You’re aware that the pain inflicted wasn’t necessarily about you. They were a reaction from another person who wasn’t able to respond properly because they too may have to deal with their own internal wounds.
All of us live our own version of unique lives. We have our own sets of struggles and challenges. You won’t fully know where the other person comes from, the paths he has been through, and the struggles he has to endure. Do not fire back pain and hurt to counter the pain and hurt you feel. Break the cycle.
Realize that anyone who is hurting needs love and understanding. You may argue that they don’t deserve it, but that’s the point. They need not earn it, it’s a gift to be given.
Other people’s behavior uncovers the shadows you have kept hidden for a long time. You will not find release if you continuously submerge yourself in the thoughts and offenses done to you. Don’t let bitterness and hard feelings assume power over you. Rise above it. Own your emotions.
Instead of unconsciously reacting out of resentment, now you can work on your healing. You replace anger with compassion. You realize the other person deserves to be healed and strengthen just as much as you.
You begin to really see what’s going on and most of the time, it validates that the truth has nothing to do with what you’re witnessing on the outside.
When you shift your perspective, your experience of life will shift as a result. Remember that love is a silent healing response.
You are the change you desire in others.
