This post originally appeared here on Medium.
You're Codependent When You're Addicted To Feeling Important
I have heard many times that the foundation of happiness is in helping others. I’m sure there are more quotes on this subject than I care to remember. Good deeds needn’t take much time or cost any money. But what happens when someone goes too far? What happens if instead of genuine service to others, it’s a response to the addiction for attention?
I’m all for lending a hand. Helping others makes me feel like a million bucks, almost like I can take on the world because it boosts my self-esteem. It makes me feel great about myself. Being selfless and caring for others is a noble act. There is however a darker side.
I overheard a conversation on my commute this morning. The man was spewing his BS into the world. He was whining about how much those around him were looking to him to save their world, that he literally had no time to rule his own.
That made me furrow my brow quizzically. Something important is obviously missing. This guy is whining about how much he sacrifices for others, and he’s blaming them for ruining his life. He went down the path about how weary he was because everyone expected him to shoulder their problems. But he had made that choice. What is the grouching about?
He got caught up with issues and concerns not his own, but proudly explained it’s his innate compassion and caring natures that compels him to help. He moans about how tired he was and yet at every opportunity, he can’t help but turn up on their doorstep as the savior.
When the good intention to help becomes a perpetual means to feel good about ourselves and to gain a sense of superiority over others, we become codependent.
— purposefullifenow.com
What is your motivation for helping others?
Am I being insensitive? I understand the logic behind a good intention to help others, but does he recognize the difference between doing out of compassion and sincerity versus being addicted to helping just for kicks?
I’m no superhero, but if it’s within my capacity to help and I’m clear about my boundaries, then there’s no issue at hand. However, if my reason for service is for compensation because I battle with self-esteem and I feel the need to cover up guilt and shame and to elicit validation from others, that motivation is harmful in the long run.
Helping and giving are characters of strength, it leads to feeling good because of a surge of dopamine. Sure, it feels great to know that others think I’m reliable. The problem begins when I seek to be indispensable through my motives. That distorts my good intention. I become dependent on my dependents to make me feel important.
Codependents tend to underestimate what others can or cannot do for themselves and are quick to assume responsibility for them.
— purposefullifenow.com
Genuinely helping or codependent?
I suppose every basic need has a dark side when it becomes insatiable. Wanting to feel important and needed fulfills the most basic human need because it contributes to our sense of purpose and direction.
When the good intention to help becomes a perpetual means to feel good about ourselves and to gain a sense of superiority over others, we become codependent.
That guy was codependent on his dependents to where he supported them at the expense of himself. Codependency is an emotional addiction. He became a compulsive helper, tidying up everyone’s messes, compromising his own happiness and his ability to make sound decisions.
This character is often the caretaker, the giver, the problem-solver, and the rescuer. He’s doing it, hoping they would return his love and make him feel like they can’t make it without him, which makes him feel important. He is looking to satisfy the internal void within himself with an external means. The problem is all happiness and well-being comes from within. No amount of external satisfaction can fill an internal void.
That’s not to say that we’ll all go out and deny people when they are in trouble. We should at least recognize the difference and draw the line between what is healthy and unhealthy. Codependents tend to underestimate what others can or cannot do for themselves and are quick to assume responsibility for them. There’s a fine line drawn between genuinely helping and knowing that you have crossed the line.
Codependents display their pride openly. They are not reluctant to inform others how much they have sacrificed to exhibit their importance and to show their significance. They perceive themselves as selfless. They tied their identity to their deeds and they earn their approval and love through their actions.
Original Photo by Alessio Cesario from Pexels
Don’t fall prey
Can you tell what else he’s missing? That guy continues to whine and be unhappy about the situation because he had chosen to sacrifice while standing at the edge of his comfort zone. He watched his self-esteem soared so high and crash, leading to the need to fuel the addiction repeatedly through continuous giving.
By doing so, he misses one very important fact. He forfeited pure pleasure that comes from the proud enjoyment of helping others, missing out on the share of their accomplishments, losing nachas.
Beware of such characters that seek to help out of obligation or guilt. Whenever they come around whining and squawking about how overloaded they are, don’t fall prey or feel sorry for them. Their happiness depends on others’ responses, they feel they deserve the attention.
If you get caught up in this web of manipulation, watch out because instead of feeling bad for the victim, you might just be the one who is going to be sorry.
