This Is Why We Pursue Intimacy
What do you want?
I’m asking the same question again for a gazillion times.
It’s not that I don’t have the answers, it’s just that every time I got around to asking, I’ve not been serious enough to get to the root. And so once again I find myself in another episode of heartbreak and disappointment.
Relationships are touchy subjects. What’s there not to love about Love? I don’t care how many times you’ve been down this road, the moment Love rears its ugly head, you’ll want to plunge right in headfirst. Don’t lie. It’s dangerously appealing. It’s complicating, the bliss and delight, the fear of letting go too much, and the anxiety of holding back. On the opposite pole, we can’t wait for complete exposure, disregarding any and every possibility of getting attacked or harmed.
As the relationship flourish from an idealized fantasy romance to actual reality, the fire that once fueled desire now consumes with jealousy and guilt. We no longer thrive on the excitement of the unknown. We want certainty and assurance to bridge the space between us and our partner.
When experiences get messy, we grasp, hold on, or even threaten to push away. Our logic is that we have the right to expect complete transparency from our partner. We want a blast of ultraviolet light to reach all the nooks and crannies. Unfortunately, this is when love becomes conditional and attachment occurs. We draw on a sense of entitlement that says, I am yours and you are mine.
We want assurance through knowing, having, and owning. We forget the very thing that makes our hearts flutter with excitement in the beginning, is the need to know, to explore, and to discover the mysterious.
I’ve given up needing to come out clean and be transparent all the time, to explain myself, to apologize, and to bare my soul, leaving no room for my partner to desire and to long for more. I don’t see the necessity to reveal every secret and bridge every distance all at once.
We seek intimacy as a means of protection to keep us from feeling lonely, needy, and insecure. We chain love down instead of allowing it to fly. This insecurity robs away the exhilaration, the curiosity, and the fascination that keeps the relationship throbbing with spontaneity. Over time, it becomes dull and predictable. There is nothing left to be intimate about if everything is already out in the open.
If you love a person, you say to that person, Look, I love you, whatever that may be. I’ve seen quite a bit of it and I know there’s lots that I haven’t seen, but still it’s you and I want you to be what you want to be. And I won’t be happy if I’ve got you in a cage. You’d be a bird without song.
— Alan Watts