This post originally appeared here on Queen's Children.

This Is Why We Pursue Intimacy

What do you want?

I’m asking the same question again for a gazillion times.

It’s not that I don’t have the answers, it’s just that every time I got around to asking, I’ve not been serious enough to get to the root. And so once again I find myself in another episode of heartbreak and disappointment.

Relationships are touchy subjects. What’s there not to love about Love? I don’t care how many times you’ve been down this road, the moment Love rears its ugly head, you’ll want to plunge right in headfirst. Don’t lie. It’s dangerously appealing. It’s complicating, the bliss and delight, the fear of letting go too much, and the anxiety of holding back. On the opposite pole, we can’t wait for complete exposure, disregarding any and every possibility of getting attacked or harmed.

As the relationship flourish from an idealized fantasy romance to actual reality, the fire that once fueled desire now consumes with jealousy and guilt. We no longer thrive on the excitement of the unknown. We want certainty and assurance to bridge the space between us and our partner.

When experiences get messy, we grasp, hold on, or even threaten to push away. Our logic is that we have the right to expect complete transparency from our partner. We want a blast of ultraviolet light to reach all the nooks and crannies. Unfortunately, this is when love becomes conditional and attachment occurs. We draw on a sense of entitlement that says, I am yours and you are mine.

We want assurance through knowing, having, and owning. We forget the very thing that makes our hearts flutter with excitement in the beginning, is the need to know, to explore, and to discover the mysterious.

I’ve given up needing to come out clean and be transparent all the time, to explain myself, to apologize, and to bare my soul, leaving no room for my partner to desire and to long for more. I don’t see the necessity to reveal every secret and bridge every distance all at once.

We seek intimacy as a means of protection to keep us from feeling lonely, needy, and insecure. We chain love down instead of allowing it to fly. This insecurity robs away the exhilaration, the curiosity, and the fascination that keeps the relationship throbbing with spontaneity. Over time, it becomes dull and predictable. There is nothing left to be intimate about if everything is already out in the open.

If you love a person, you say to that person, Look, I love you, whatever that may be. I’ve seen quite a bit of it and I know there’s lots that I haven’t seen, but still it’s you and I want you to be what you want to be. And I won’t be happy if I’ve got you in a cage. You’d be a bird without song.

— Alan Watts


Photo by Zaksheuskaya from Pexels


So what do I really want? I revisited this question again.

The best relationship is one that thrives on distance and closeness. It’s not one to the exclusion of the other. It’s the privilege of coming together and, at the same time, retaining individual freedom. We should force no one to lose themselves in the relationship, instead, that union ought to be a place where both partners build up, share, and provide support for one another, and to bring out the best of two distinct individuals. I would love for my partner to honor my space, and I’ll do the same for him. There is no pressure to reveal anything if he is not ready.

Distance brings about a sense of mystery. Nobody wants what they already have. I think that’s one reason infidelity is so delicious. Before we go crazy and start looking for excitement outside, let’s bring that sense of mystery back home. There’s nothing sexier than reawakening your partner’s desire for you.

I want to speak freely without having to worry about judgment. I want to feel safe, to talk about my expectations, what ruffles my feathers and what turns me on. I want to be comfortable discussing intimate topics without fear.

Can you imagine how it feels like when it’s always one-sided and one party is afraid to voice out or ignore uncomfortable topics because the other partner’s ego is too fragile to handle?

Be with someone who feels like freedom and loves you without chains. Because love isn’t about holding someone back or using guilt to make them stay. Love is freedom, and they freely choose you.

— JmStorm


Photo by Zaksheuskaya from Pexels

I often think of love as an intimate space of freedom. You should not need validation to be yourself. You do not seek or grant permission for freedom of expression. Each should feel safe to show up and be true to themselves. If you remember, that was probably the quality you find attractive about them in the first place, so why quench love now?

I realize this may not work for everyone, and that’s fine. Maybe I’m just weird. The thing is, both your versions of reality will differ from each other. That’s what makes them attractive. You see the qualities you admire in your partner. You make up for each other’s deficiencies and emerge as one, balancing togetherness and individuality.

I want to retain my authenticity in this union, knowing that I can return and unite anytime with my lover. Out of this ease comes an even deeper love and intimacy.

This kind of partnership is intoxicating. You will likely never encounter a dull moment. The mysterious element in it will continue to lure you and keep you desiring for more. This is where true intimacy will flow, again and again.

Original Photo by Jasmine Carter from Pexels

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