This post originally appeared here on Medium.
The Struggle Ends When We Unlearn Destructive Life Lessons
Growing up, I was skilled at maintaining a perfect-looking life. As a wise young person, I had never washed my dirty linen in public. My elders had taught me well, and my only response was to be obedient. Anything that happens within the four walls of a home is private and sacrosanct.
From a tender age, I was an expert at keeping my emotions and no one ever saw through me. I knew how to hide perfectly behind a smile. Never mind what’s going on inside because my outward appearance is more important than my inward significance. I was so skillful that after a while, I become unconscious that I lived in two separate worlds. On the outside, I was lively, playful, and forward-looking, hiding my own lies, shame, and guilt inside. I was the perfect girl who was always strong, positive, and in control of just about everything.
Wherever I go, I want people to be proud of me. Slowly but surely, I adopted the socially acceptable behaviors that harden into the many masks I wore to fit the roles I play. I was afraid if others would discover my true colors, they will never accept me. I constantly battle with brokenness, confusion, and low self-esteem. Most of all, I’m tired. Tired of living up to others’ expectations that I eventually lose myself.
That gave me the reason to deny my anger, to push sadness to the back of the closet, and accept that frustrations are only for losers. I believe I must be the strong one for everyone else. The funny thing is, no one was there for me.
I stayed in my head most of the time, asserting to myself that I must not cry. I learned to bite my tongue, swallowed my tears, and absorbed any hurt, no matter how painful, rather than connecting with my heart. I believe the victim is almost always the problem, and therefore, if I’m having a problem, then I’m certainly at fault.
I lived with excruciating pain for most of my adult life, not realizing until much later that what’s lurking behind physical pain is emotional tension stored, knowingly or unknowingly, in various parts of my body.
— @purposefullifenow.com
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Photo by Wouter de Jong from Pexels
Suck it up and move on
For many years, Fear was my best friend. He assured me that no one would be interested to hear what I have to say, so it’s best to keep my dreams and hopes locked in a wooden chest under the ocean somewhere while I focus on becoming the ultimate people-pleaser, those who are family, friends, and acquaintances, or risk having them walk out on me.
He told me that emotional people are weak and unimportant, that’s why they’ll always end up alone, so I’d better suck it up and move on. At some point, I was proud of whom I had become. While other girls openly express their fragility and cried in public, I held back my tears.
I became an adult carrying these beliefs, pretending everything is okay when it isn’t. It was so easy to get overwhelmed with everything that was happening around me, at work and home. Friendships were the furthest thing from my mind. To make matters worst, I attracted the wrong relationships, the kind that does not reciprocate.
As I open myself to be vulnerable, to accept that being emotional is not a weakness and being afraid is not a flaw, I had to break connections with many people, renounce my religion, step out of my comfort zone and start owning who I truly am.
— @purposefullifenow.com
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Photo by Wouter de Jong from Pexels
There has to be a way out
Little did I know that all those years of internalizing and ignoring my emotions took a heavy toll on my health. I lived with excruciating pain for most of my adult life, not realizing until much later that what’s lurking behind physical pain is emotional tension stored, knowingly or unknowingly, in various parts of my body.
My religion didn’t tell me that. The doctors I visited didn’t tell me that. None of the surrounding people knew what was wrong with me. I lived with pain for so many years, accepting it to be normal. So many times I was on the verge of breaking down, but I held on for dear life.
I couldn’t, because deep down in my heart, I knew there had to be a way out, I just don’t know where or how. Those in authority figures forbid me to seek help outside of my religious circle, so I knew no available options, other than wait for God to deliver me because as the song goes, God will make a way where there is no way. So I kept my faith, and I waited.
It wasn’t too long ago that I decided to leave the church and turn my back on everything I knew to be true. I took a plunge into all things that were previously in the forbidden zone and discover an ocean of information that I never knew exists.
Original Photo by Aljay Garamay from Pexels
Pain was my most faithful companion
Ithought about how I had neglected who I am at the core. I was too busy focusing on the external realities, ignoring the cry of my heart, allowing my energy to drain by serving others without realizing that the power inside me is slowly diminishing.
I run my life, giving complete control to the mind and allowing it to direct my path while my soul is silently grieving in the background. I hold myself back from being authentic because I never feel safe enough to open my heart.
Pain — physical and emotional, had been a major part of my life that I had learned to deal with, not knowing if I should at this point be proud or ashamed of whom I had become. It had taken me all these years to accept the fact that I’m responsible for what happened to me. While I didn’t know any better at a younger age, the destructive lessons I learned followed me all the way into adulthood.
In a world where I learned to put others first, self-love equates to selfishness. The idea of self-love brought feelings of guilt. It was frustrating because I have difficulty permitting myself to experience it. It goes against everything I believed.
I never see myself as beautiful or special, because those around me will let me know that I’m not. I never feel worth it because of the many flaws I saw.
This has to be the toughest lesson I had to unlearn. As I open myself to be vulnerable, to accept that being emotional is not a weakness and being afraid is not a flaw, I had to break connections with many people, renounce my religion, step out of my comfort zone and start owning who I truly am.
The only gift I needed was from myself
I had been so conscious of hiding from everyone else without realizing that the only person I was really hiding from is myself. I denied myself the liberty to live my life fully and to tap into the creative energy that is my gift.
My foremost responsibility now is to myself, and if no one understands that, I will have to excuse them and walk away. I will say what I feel, not for the sake of being proud or arrogant, but to express myself and what I represent without fearing what others might think. I learn to be comfortable making choices I’m convinced of without requiring validation from others. And most of all, I learn to connect with my inner self, knowing that I am important.
I’m far from perfect and sometimes I still feel rejected when they don’t notice me, but I’m getting better. My body is slowly adapting to the change. Whenever my emotions arise, I check in with my heart and my mind to ensure they are coherent before taking a step.
I strongly believe that self-love is the biggest gift I can give to myself in whatever situation. This is only possible when I detach the destructive labels put on me by myself and others.
Not every lesson we learn in life is true, valuable, or important. Becoming self-aware enough to notice the lies is the first step towards freedom, and it had taken me way too long to learn what I needed to.
