When I Initiated A Breakup With A Narcissist
Breakup is never easy. This is especially true if you’ve stayed in a toxic relationship for far too long as I did. I decided it was time for me to end it, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t struggle in the aftermath and continue to do so. I write this piece to help me close the door.
People assume those who had the courage to initiate a breakup often care less about the relationship or that the initiator is usually not hurting as badly. But that’s false. Even though I’m convinced things aren’t working out and the best solution is to walk away, initiating a breakup with a narcissist can be tough to pull off.
It is excruciating and agonizing, to say the least.
What would otherwise be a path to freedom for me turned out complicated as the abuser attempts to do everything possible to regain and retain his status. Narcissists are hypersensitive and they take everything personally because they feed off their source.
The moment they realize they are losing their power over their victim, they will create a plot to protect their image and that can lead to malice. There is no way they are letting go easily.
My abusive partner did not take the news lightly. He foresaw he may no longer exert power over me, and I leaving him was a sign of abandonment. That’s when he launched the fight of my life to show that he’s not done with me yet. He must have thought: how dare I consider escaping when he owned, controlled, and used me as a verbal and emotional punching bag. I was his property. I was there for him to lash out at and to make him feel good.
The news of me initiating a breakup sent him into a frenzy because he would soon lose his source for power and validation. When he noticed that his identity is in question, he made up completely irrelevant excuses that put the fault of the failed relationship to me.
I honestly believe that everyone can change, and people will change when they want to change, that’s it. Everyone has that potential, though many choose not to.
Caught in a dizzying whirlwind of emotional vertigo
Despite having enough reasons to walk out cold turkey, many times I was secretly hoping for a peaceful settlement. He continued to dump accusations of perceived wrongs that made me feel guilty about my decision.
He reminded me of the emotional bond we’ve built together and I’m being ungrateful and selfish now by pushing him aside. His passive-aggressive behavior made sure I’m well aware of the consequence of my action, that I’ll never have another who would care for me like he did, which would be my greatest loss.
I’m constantly sent into a dizzying whirlwind of emotional vertigo that left me wondering what the hell went wrong. A common attempt would be his promise to change, followed by what looked like a genuine effort of reconciliation. He would try to make me feel good temporarily with kind and thoughtful gestures that made me doubt my decision that perhaps I was wrong and unappreciative.
I honestly believe that everyone can change, and people will change when they want to change, that’s it. Everyone has that potential, though many choose not to. However, when they don’t own the responsibility for their actions, chances are, they’re not going to.
He seemed genuinely concerned for a brief period and everything looks promising. That was until I say something or act in a way that’s contrary to his reality and he went back to his manipulating, arrogant, insensitive, and blaming self, draining me physically and emotionally.
There’s nothing more heartbreaking than to find out your source of love and compassion turned out as the cause of toxic damage.