This post originally appeared here on Know Thyself Heal Thyself, a Medium publication.
Prisoner Of A Dream
The point when you realize it’s over. It’s as though someone had flicked a switch and everything loses clarity. You’re in a state of confusion, unsure about what to do or how you feel.
Suddenly the world — your world becomes a dark place. You cling on to certainty and hope at least a tiny flicker would remain, but it’s not there. Your brain stops processing. One moment the adrenaline surges, soaring into exhilaration, in seconds you’re floating in the sea of void, gasping for air.
It was never at the moment of goodbye, but long before the confession. It’s sad having to look back, to figure out what had gone wrong. The wintry wind swept across the land yet never did a word he mentions. The rustling of the branches was like trees whispering to each other but they hushed when you approached. Pink clouds float above like ships sailing past and gone from your sight.
No one said a word or utter a warning. I guess it is better to let the brain be empty than to have hope, reverting back to darkness again and silence.
It’s as though awakened within a dream of a persistent nightmare, you realize nothing stays the same — moments, people, flowers. Yet in this desert of company, nothing is ever complete without its pair. There is Life and Death; joy and pain; love and hurt; and then there’s you and him. It’s the equilibrium of the universe.
The balance left so much pain but brought about so much good. You learned that love means giving all you’ve got and then stepping back and letting it crumble. To be vulnerable means having the courage to bare it all while they aim a bow and arrow at your heart. Soon the tears in your eyes become rivers in your soul.
Though you’ve never imagined how hard it must be to love someone, you learned how it feels to love someone you cannot be with. You understand what conflict feels like when your brain and your heart collided in disagreement.
You knew you belong to no one, to nothing, and to be nowhere because you’re a free spirit. Nothing can anchor you down until the bonds of love encircled you till you become claustrophobic.
You become a prisoner not of walls and bars but a cold, icy heart. You were a warrior answering the call of the universe, to serve the cause of love. Now all that’s left are fragments on the floor hoping that he’ll make his way back to pick up the shards of what’s left and rebuild.
But every once in a while you’ll see him out of your peripheral vision. As though someone called out his name and you thought you saw him pass by, only to look again and realize it wasn’t him after all.
And in that moment of awareness, you knew it was a dream so real it confused you when you woke up. It comes so often that you welcome the message it brings. The memory of his smile, his whispers, the feel of his skin on yours, each one just as beautiful as the last, intoxicating but disconnected.
Those glimpses bring you closer to the impossible conclusion that you have known his face and have loved him before — in another time, a different place, in some other existence. Until then you continue to live your life as prisoner of a dream.