I'm not running away, I'm moving on.

- Irvine Welsh -


Photo by Leon Macapagal from Pexels


Evolve Yourself

This post originally appeared here on Know Thyself Heal Thyself.

The Runaway


Have you ever felt like running away?

To flee from what you feel, from your circumstances — from a relationship, from work, from life. From those who do not care or bother about your existence. When part of you does not want to stay. When you sense you don’t belong. Amid a crowded room when you’re not alone, yet you feel lonely. Isolated.

Have you ever felt like running away?

Because of an urge to leave a place where your memories are buried deep. To never turn back to the yesteryears gone by. To let the dreams you’ve built crumble to the floor. And give up on your individuality and the experiences that are overlapped with layers of darkness you no longer understand or relate to.

Have you ever felt like running away?

Because you’re reluctant to show up. You lose the courage to go through one more day, unable to exert the strength to push, to face the world with a mask that hides your true emotions. Because you’re afraid they might see you and ridicule who you are. They dim the light inside you, tearing you apart and walking away, leaving you scarred, unseen and unknown by anyone, while your heart bleeds.

Have you ever felt like running away?

When your body suffers incessantly because of brain overload. A carousel of thoughts spinning, throwing your mind into the distant blackness. You’re exhausted, coping with the intensity to move forward while your soul is lagging far behind. When your emotional circuits are burning out and your body shakes uncontrollably. There’s no denying that light conquers darkness, yet you wonder how your darkness always wins anyhow.

Have you ever felt like running away?

Even when you’re scared, not knowing if it’s the smart thing to do. Because everyone should feel safe at home base, but not you. You’re seeking for that smallest chance, an opening, a path to move away from, so that you could move forward. To leave the horror of cold, to pass through the narrow gates and escape in search of the first glimmer of light in the world of shadows until you’re out of this pathetic, ugly fairy tale.

Have you ever felt like running away?

To escape the deafening noise that traps you in its eerie silence, being consumed in the madness that doesn’t stop, casting a death spell upon your soul. You’re shut in and confined. The silence grew louder, coming from every direction. Closer. Till you could hear your breath, an audible gasp for air. You’ve given yourself fully, once, twice, too many times till you’ve exhausted every reserve. You turn around and all that’s left is the shadow you cast, dark and lethal, hidden within the things you once loved.

Running away is the only chance of survival. When your soles touched the earth and gain rhythm on their own. Your thoughts become lyrics to the memory of the songs you once knew. The world felt as high as the depthless night sky, casting its spell on your soul. You felt the power where there was none, breaking free from the confines of the walls, to feel the earth, to find the peace you needed, the serenity.

Breathing steady, heart strong. Your legs burning to go faster.

You felt the wind reaching into the hollow places within. The breeze on your face reminding you you’re alive right now, at this moment. You kept running further from the past. It doesn’t matter anymore because you’re running alone. You’re running away.

Running is easy. Leaving the past is easy. Not knowing where you’re heading is hard.

Your heart pounds. You kept running.